January 28 2009
Anyone who knows me, is well aware of the variegated mayhem of my creative impulses. I get swept away by so many different ideas, some days I get pretty lost in a flurry of forking paths, not knowing which direction to stay on.
As time goes on though, I become more and more certain that I am a writer by heart, and that writing is the one thing that always feels right. When it's flowing. It just comes naturally to me, I do it almost involuntarily a lot of the time. However, natural talent and strength can only take one half-way up the mountain. The rest is down to determination and being able to advance through the grind of numbing pain and boredom in small and constant steps. To realize my potential as a writer, I need to challenge myself to build up larger and more structured bodies of work.
Once I get into a sustainable rhythm of daily writing, I will try and turn the tide back on my web programming and design. It's not going to happen straight away. Having to deal with the horrible shit I've been through in the last 2 years killed a huge amount of the passion and interest I had for web development, but I know that deep down, there is still a kernel of inspiration, and a strong desire to make things.
I will never leave design and programming behind. Hell no. I love making things online too much. It's just that I have learned from harsh experience, that web design and programming is simply not a career path that I am well suited to. I explore too many different directions to be comfortable and creative in a single steady day-in day-out occupation. I need to be in a position where I can flow in and out of different things as the inspiration strikes.
That might strike you as arrogant and mildly solipsistic, but trust me - I have tried so hard to work in the 9-5 world, and it's just not for me. Never will be. Writing brings a much more natural tempo to my day, and it makes me feel much happier and more stable. I'm still coming to grips with this new positive state of being, and getting in to the habit of writing every day without fail.
I started my regime with the expectation of ensuring that I would write at least 500 words every day. Not ambitious, but consistent. I know I can take this further, so I've upped it to 1,000, which should keep me on my toes. Sometimes, just to keep the words running on, I'm obliged to cough up garbage like this. My sincerest apologies. Once I can up this word count to 2,000-3,000 I'll be ready to plunge into those book projects that continue to gnaw and tickle at my mind.